Excuses and a diversion into sport

I’ve been so busy this week that I haven’t eaten any sandies. That should tell you something considering the Sandy Council’s 1986 ad campaign touting “Sandies: Nature’s Fastest Food ©.”

Instead, I have been eating pork chops, pretzels with hummus and American cheese singles. This diet ensures both authenticity as I live the Bachelor Lifestyle and sufficient intake of the three building blocks of food: fat, carbohydrate and protein — when supplemented with vitamins, these will keep you nourished, technically. Note: chewable children’s vitamins, while delicious, have been found, by me, not to suffice, unless you also eat vegetables besides onions and potatoes. Over the four years I experimented with the Flinstonesque Zippy Zoo vitamins, I contracted scurvy, yellow fever, the Black Death©, rickets and several other diseases with funny names. If Zippy Zoo vitamins were a sandwich, they would receive 4.5 sandies for taste and 2 sandies for nutritional value.

During what downtime I’ve had, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Mostly, I’ve been thinking about the Great Debate: which niche sport is better, Sandwich Soccer or Slamball? Despite my obvious preference for Sandwich Soccer, I’ve finally given the nod to Slamball. I won’t go into my extensive reasoning; basically, Slamball is just too extreme not to love. If you don’t believe me, watch this (that’s not me, but I can see why you would think that given his spaziness and dangerously long legs).