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Excuses and a diversion into sport

I’ve been so busy this week that I haven’t eaten any sandies. That should tell you something considering the Sandy Council’s 1986 ad campaign touting “Sandies: Nature’s Fastest Food ©.”

Instead, I have been eating pork chops, pretzels with hummus and American cheese singles. This diet ensures both authenticity as I live the Bachelor Lifestyle and sufficient intake of the three building blocks of food: fat, carbohydrate and protein — when supplemented with vitamins, these will keep you nourished, technically. Note: chewable children’s vitamins, while delicious, have been found, by me, not to suffice, unless you also eat vegetables besides onions and potatoes. Over the four years I experimented with the Flinstonesque Zippy Zoo vitamins, I contracted scurvy, yellow fever, the Black Death©, rickets and several other diseases with funny names. If Zippy Zoo vitamins were a sandwich, they would receive 4.5 sandies for taste and 2 sandies for nutritional value.

During what downtime I’ve had, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Mostly, I’ve been thinking about the Great Debate: which niche sport is better, Sandwich Soccer or Slamball? Despite my obvious preference for Sandwich Soccer, I’ve finally given the nod to Slamball. I won’t go into my extensive reasoning; basically, Slamball is just too extreme not to love. If you don’t believe me, watch this (that’s not me, but I can see why you would think that given his spaziness and dangerously long legs).


Unknown said…
All this talk about Sand witches has made me want to eat the second half of the "Godfather." So I will do that now.
R to oh man.

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