Skip to main content

Excuses and a diversion into sport

I’ve been so busy this week that I haven’t eaten any sandies. That should tell you something considering the Sandy Council’s 1986 ad campaign touting “Sandies: Nature’s Fastest Food ©.”

Instead, I have been eating pork chops, pretzels with hummus and American cheese singles. This diet ensures both authenticity as I live the Bachelor Lifestyle and sufficient intake of the three building blocks of food: fat, carbohydrate and protein — when supplemented with vitamins, these will keep you nourished, technically. Note: chewable children’s vitamins, while delicious, have been found, by me, not to suffice, unless you also eat vegetables besides onions and potatoes. Over the four years I experimented with the Flinstonesque Zippy Zoo vitamins, I contracted scurvy, yellow fever, the Black Death©, rickets and several other diseases with funny names. If Zippy Zoo vitamins were a sandwich, they would receive 4.5 sandies for taste and 2 sandies for nutritional value.

During what downtime I’ve had, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Mostly, I’ve been thinking about the Great Debate: which niche sport is better, Sandwich Soccer or Slamball? Despite my obvious preference for Sandwich Soccer, I’ve finally given the nod to Slamball. I won’t go into my extensive reasoning; basically, Slamball is just too extreme not to love. If you don’t believe me, watch this (that’s not me, but I can see why you would think that given his spaziness and dangerously long legs).

Comments

Unknown said…
All this talk about Sand witches has made me want to eat the second half of the "Godfather." So I will do that now.
R to oh man.

Popular posts from this blog

Review: Pepperhouse Gourmaise

Being that Big Condiment still seems to think Mustardayonnaise  is a joke, I've been forced to seek out a suitable alternative. This search led me to Boar's Head's " Pepperhouse Gourmaise " spread. According to Boar's Head, Pepperhouse Gourmaise is "real mayonnaise with a touch of Boar's Head Deli Mustard and a house blend of black, white, pink and green peppercorns." They also claim that it goes well with poultry, beef and pork. What a pepperhouse might look like if it were a thing ( photo by Justin Sachtleben ) I can confirm that it goes well with poultry and pork (or at least ham — I haven't tried it with any other pig-meats). And the quality of the ingredients seems to live up to Boars Head's high standards. As a black pepper kind of guy, I'm impressed by their fancy pink peppercorns. Still, I can't say I'm satisfied with B.H.P.G. Its color is off-putting and the peppercorns hurt my teeth. And while it's deci

Kewpie Mayonnaise: Disturbing but delicious

After years of waffling , I finally took the dive and purchased a bottle of Kewpie mayo. Kewpie mayo's premium price and disturbing packaging had previously prevented me from buying it, but Grub Street blogger Ian Knauer's Flavor Ammo post about it convinced me to give the baby-themed mayo a chance. For the unfamiliar, Kewpie is a popular Japanese brand of mayonnaise that's often found in gourmet specialty stores, such as Eastern District in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. It's also currently available for 10 bucks on Amazon . The package features a standing baby that could easily serve as a homicidal doll in a horror story. Adding to the unease brought about by the package, the mayonnaise comes in a bag. I can't be alone in my belief that a bag is a completely inappropriate container for mayonnaise. Because of these setbacks, Kewpie mayo takes some getting used to. Now that I've come to terms with the unsettling packaging, I've probably topp

McCriollo: The Puerto Rican Egg McMuffin

36 drafted, unpublished posts and and half a year down ... it's time to start posting again. Let's start simple, with breakfast sandwiches and cultural differences. Last weekend, I went to Puerto Rico on a work trip, and had breakfast at the airport's McDonald's on my way back home . I really wanted an EggMcMuffin -- a favorite I haven't had in a long time. Yet the #1 combo on the menu offered only the mysterious "McCriollo," and there were no English Muffin sandwiches to be found. Apparently the advantages gained by the English muffin's nooks and crannies are under appreciated in the island of enchantment. Undeterred, I took the opportunity to find out what San Juan had to offer in the spongy anglo-muffin's stead. The McCriollo turned out to be about the same as an EggMcMuffin except on a decent chewy/crispy split bun. The name translates to "McCreole," which may make more sense in Puerto Rico, but sounded like wishful marketing to