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Swiss cheese: Baby good, Lacy bad

A version of this — the " Swiss cheese mode l" of mistakes — was drawn on a whiteboard in a meeting at my job the other day. In this case, I'm using it to illustrate the hazards of misinformed cheese buying, and the sense of loss you will feel when eating a low-fat alternative to the flavor you crave. For years I bought the two similar-looking Swiss cheeses interchangeably, never investigating the difference between them. In a long line at the deli counter the other day, I got on my phone and learned Lacy Swiss is a lower fat, lower salt alternative to regular Swiss, while Baby Swiss is a milder full-fat version. I tried both and came to the realization that Lacy Swiss is a sad substitute for regular or Baby Swiss' satisfying cheesiness. Lacy Swiss is a hollow lie masquerading as the real deal. Barring some kind of mandatory, doctor-enforced sodium diet, I plan to keep Lacy far away from my sandwiches from this day forward.

Is a Hot Dog a Sandwich? No.

BACONPØLSE isn't a sandwich, either It has come to my attention that the internet is debating whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich. It is not. Hot dogs fail the "followed by sandwich test," which is a thing I made up to determine whether or not something's a sandwich. It goes like this. Name a sandwich and see if it makes sense to follow it with the word "sandwich." For example, today I ate a turkey club ... sandwich . That makes sense, thus a turkey club is a sandwich. If I said, "today I ate a hot dog sandwich," you'd wonder what I meant. I'd picture chopped up hot dog bits on bread with mustard, not a hot dog on a bun. As comedian Esau McGraw said on " Why? with Hannibal Buress ," a hot dog isn't a sandwich any more than a wrap is a burrito. Case closed . Related: Hannibal Buress: "Buy sandwiches" Is a Footlong Burger Sub Disgusting?