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Heinz Almost Got There With Mayochup

Heinz has declared, "It's finally here!" with their release of Mayochup — a ketchup-mayonnaise hybrid.

Don't pretend this is what we've all been waiting for, Heinz. So-called mayochup has already existed as fry sauce, special sauce or any other number of existing tan, barely tangy condiments.

As all sandwich heads know, the only condiment we're waiting for is Mustmayostarayonnaise. I remain disappointed that our nation's corporations haven't caught on to what Mr. Show called for 21 (!) years ago.
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Swiss cheese: Baby good, Lacy bad

For years I bought the two similar-looking Swiss cheeses interchangeably, never investigating the difference between them.

In a long line at the deli counter the other day, I got on my phone and learned Lacy Swiss is a lower fat, lower salt alternative to regular Swiss, while Baby Swiss is a milder full-fat version.

I tried both and came to the realization that Lacy Swiss is a sad substitute for regular or Baby Swiss' satisfying cheesiness. Lacy Swiss is a hollow lie masquerading as the real deal. Barring some kind of mandatory, doctor-enforced sodium diet, I plan to keep Lacy far away from my sandwiches from this day forward.


Is a Hot Dog a Sandwich? No.

It has come to my attention that the internet is debating whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich. It is not.

Hot dogs fail the "followed by sandwich test," which is a thing I made up to determine whether or not something's a sandwich. It goes like this.

Name a sandwich and see if it makes sense to follow it with the word "sandwich." For example, today I ate a turkey club ... sandwich. That makes sense, thus a turkey club is a sandwich. If I said, "today I ate a hot dog sandwich," you'd wonder what I meant. I'd picture chopped up hot dog bits on bread with mustard, not a hot dog on a bun.

As comedian Esau McGraw said on "Why? with Hannibal Buress," a hot dog isn't a sandwich any more than a wrap is a burrito. Case closed.

Related:

Hannibal Buress: "Buy sandwiches"Is a Footlong Burger Sub Disgusting?

Sandwich of Brotherly Love

This year I moved from New York to Philadelphia, where to my surprise, I am one of the least sandwich-obsessed people around. Living in Philly has been a whole new sandwich education. There are cheesesteaks, and hoagies, and cheesesteak hoagies to learn about, to say nothing of roast pork. There is the language of steak-ordering. Do you want it with sauce? Do you want it wit or witout? And what is a pizza steak? A bacon steak? (They’re not what I thought.) I know nothing, Jon Snow.
Related: Wawa robots, cream cheese foolery.

Review: Pepperhouse Gourmaise

Being that Big Condiment still seems to think Mustardayonnaise is a joke, I've been forced to seek out a suitable alternative. This search led me to Boar's Head's "Pepperhouse Gourmaise" spread.

According to Boar's Head, Pepperhouse Gourmaise is "real mayonnaise with a touch of Boar's Head Deli Mustard and a house blend of black, white, pink and green peppercorns." They also claim that it goes well with poultry, beef and pork.

I can confirm that it goes well with poultry and pork (or at least ham — I haven't tried it with any other pig-meats). And the quality of the ingredients seems to live up to Boars Head's high standards. As a black pepper kind of guy, I'm impressed by their fancy pink peppercorns.

Still, I can't say I'm satisfied with B.H.P.G. Its color is off-putting and the peppercorns hurt my teeth. And while it's decidedly OK, like so many jacks of all trades, this spread amounts to less than the sum of its parts…

Celebrating National Sandwich Month

Until my friend Vanessa alerted me, I was oblivious to the fact that it's National Sandwich Month. I don't know what to do with this information, but clearly I need to step up my game if I'm missing such grand sandwich-occasions.

In my defense, August is also Audio Appreciation Month, American Adventures Month, Happiness Happens Month among other, less alliterative things, such as National Goat Cheese Month, National Psoriasis Awareness Month and What Will Be Your Legacy Month.

Weirdly, August's wiki page notes that it's specifically National Panini Month with no mention of it being National Sandwich Month in general. Nor does it explain who's making these declarations. On whose authority did August become Win with Civility Month? If monthly designations can be assigned so freely, then I also deem August to be National Arbitrarily Assign a Theme to a Month Month.

In any case, I support all excuses to celebrate sandwiches. I'm doing my part by eating one as …

Pork: Ranked #1 among meats

Yesterday Serious Eats ran a list of 25 pork sandwiches they love in NYC. I'm sad to say I've never been to any of these places, so it looks like it's time to start working my way down the list. I thought I'd been to Tasty Dumpling, but I was confusing it with Excellent Pork Chop House.

Can anyone think of some NYC pork sandwiches that are missing? I would add anything with pate or soppressata that Eastern District in Greenpoint serves up.

Via Serious Eats:

Fresh Pork
Slow Roasted Pork at Rucola in Cobble HillPork and Cabbage Pancake at Tasty DumplingThe Pig and the Goat at the BodegaBBQ Pulled Pork Panino from Indian Road CafeMacho Man or Woman from Court Street GrocersPoblano Cemita at Cascabel TaqueriaPan Con Lechon at CoppeliaCubano at the Morningside Heights Havana CentralPernil with a Twist at Sophie's CubanPierna Torta at De MolePork Bracciole from Zito's Sandwich ShoppeGyro at BZ Grill
Cured Pork
Spicy Capicola from Parisi BakeryPBLT at Butcher BarJack'…